Had nearly 1 week of after crazy working hours. Anyway, things going really great for me right now. I am trying to update my blog regularly but I think is hard as I am trying to manage 2 blog at the same time.
Lately been thinking what to buy 1st when I have some money. Thinking to buy a apt/flat here but wondering will it then be too much burden for me. I don’t want to keep on living the life looking for flat to move and etc. So tired and expensive.
Its winter now and getting colder which I just hate it so much. Sun set at 4-ish and at 6pm it feels like 9/10 pm at night. Will I be able to go through this winter without depression? Winter, always make you miss your love one more and make you feel down. Hopefully I will be able to go through all this with me doing a job and get compliment which motivate me to work harder and better.
Anyway, nothing much to say as I have some idea to write for other blog.
Monday, 2 November 2009
Sunday, 25 October 2009
Been browsing through friendster... Think the last time I actually sign in was 1 year ago. Anyway, looking through my friends list and trying to catch up with what I have missed. A lot of things came through my mind, a lot of things I want to do but I just don’t know where to start.
I want to start a website telling people about my journey, didn’t want to do it here because I don’t feel like revealing my identity. As I am not use to writing, it drain my mentally energy so much to write stuff up for my website and designing them. So I just decided to use blogger and keep posting things whenever I feel like writing.
Came across one of my friend’s blog about BFF. She was once my best friend. She has deeply left her foot’s print across my heart. I could not thank you her enough for what she have done for me.
I would really hope to about the journey of my life here. However I could not let some people know about it. I don’t know what to do.
I want to start a website telling people about my journey, didn’t want to do it here because I don’t feel like revealing my identity. As I am not use to writing, it drain my mentally energy so much to write stuff up for my website and designing them. So I just decided to use blogger and keep posting things whenever I feel like writing.
Came across one of my friend’s blog about BFF. She was once my best friend. She has deeply left her foot’s print across my heart. I could not thank you her enough for what she have done for me.
I would really hope to about the journey of my life here. However I could not let some people know about it. I don’t know what to do.
Friday, 10 July 2009
Coming out and hiding back to closet...
I was so excited and waiting for my friend to arrive, but how I wish it was only her and not with her boss. Do not get me wrong, I said this because her boss knew me when I am studying in the college. She know me even her boy friend is my ex cousin. I do not know how to come out to them.
I am stuck. Who can tell me what to do? My ex course mate come and pick them up and go for a drink and I chose not to go, because I do not know how to face them. Because I do not want to hear them calling me the way they sure to call me.
At a point I have to speak to my ex course mate on where I live, I pick the phone up and he ask me who am I and I do not know what to answer. I just could not bear it to say a name which is they knew but I am not. In the end I just said, ‘No, you doesn’t know me’. I do not know how to respond. It is just so much harder, harder than anything that I could imagine.
I feel like hiding back into my closet suddenly. I feel so much better, I feel so much confident, my self esteem is at one of the highest point at the moment but facing into this situation I just feel crash. I do not know what to do; they are just register with the term of ‘Tomboy’ & ‘Lesbian’ which none of it that I am belongs to. I think I really need to decide on keeping in touch with friends or just to cut them out.
My mom was right, how long am I avoiding this entire people from my past? Do I hide and not meeting anyone if I ever go back. I love to keep some friends but the circulation is just too big, too much that I could handle. I think it will come to a point of ‘XXX has die and will never appear again’. As well as I realise if I could not get a Visa here... My life is totally fucked... It is such a big gamble; the ‘choice’ I made is putting my entire life on gamble. What if I did not get a visa and I need to go back and live in Malaysia? I dare not think about it at all...
My heart sinks... There is officially no turning point at all... It is either gets a visa, or goes back and lead a miserable life... Visa... It is the matter of life and death to me...
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Update~
It has been ages since I last update my blog. I trying so hard to hide my identity but it is getting so confusing with some friends that I chose to keep in my list. I do not know what I can share in public and what I cannot share it in public.
I want to link this blog to my facebook but Thinking of what I want to share to my friends which following my blog I chose not to link it to my facebook.
I have been working for almost 60 hours every week in the month of June. It really makes me feel so tired by the end of the 3rd week. I feel like I am rip naked. I could not even drag myself to gym on the off day after the 3rd week. All I do is sleep at home and rest. I feel so ill, that I feel like sick (in UK they do not use vomit but sick) right after I had my dinner. However, that was last Sunday and it is Thursday now. I start working and felt so much better. God, time flies...
To my old friends out there, I just want to share with you people that I have a new life here, I have a new name and living happily and I am no longer the old Chong that you know. I am Braxton Chong. My voice is deepening, I was address correctly now, and no one is confused about my gender identity here. I hate is so much when people address me wrongly at the phone. I am very happy of the changes, I become more confident, I speak more than I am, and I am no longer as shy as I was.
People still walk up to me and ask me in my face are you a guy or a girl, I answer them in confident that I am a guy! I feel so good. Nothing can describe how I felt. No one will understand how that feels.
Right now, I am trying to concentrate on my job hoping that I will be promote to at least a bar supervisor. I am working so hard putting so much extra effort and I hope that it will pay off. I am happy that I am proving to my colleague, my superior that I know what I am doing and I deserve to be promote when there is opportunity. I have quite a few feedback with are positive but then there is still another strong people around me. Therefore, I have to continue to work hard in order to secure myself a contract.
One of my superior told me that it is good money when you make it to Operations Manager level but it will take about 10years provided that there is people that giving you chance. Part of me is so into the job that I hope that I could have a career in this industry but then come to reality if I will be into this job, I will not have a life. Working almost 10-12 hours per day, working 6 days a week and not getting extra pay. But hey! Doesn’t all the job is like that? Mmmm...
Cathay Pacific is lifting the HKID requirement to apply for Cadet Pilot. I decided to give a try and finally submitted my application form after struggling to write a good short essay. Becoming a Pilot is always one of my ambitions since young. How smart and handsome they look in full uniform. I hope that I will be given a chance to be a Pilot.
But then I will be struggling as well if I was offered to be a Cadet Pilot. My initial plan was to stay in UK, work and apply for asylum seeker Visa but if I get to be a Cadet Pilot means I could not get a Visa, means I could not get a British Passport after 5-6 years, means I could not get my name change on my birthcert, Identity Card and Passport, means I will ne struggling for most of my life. It make me feel so tired when I think about it, it just drain all my energy when I think about this problem. I do not know what the solution is for it.
Go back Malaysia and fight for my rights? People have been fighting for their Rights but it is still no outcome what makes me think I will have chances of winning? I do not want to go back to Malaysia and settle down because RM is just too small. I want to travel around the world; I do not want to stuck in Malaysia my whole life. Salary is so low compare to all other place in the world, make no sense to stay and work in there at all. I rather struggle and work in Uk then to go back be engineer and earn RM3k per month and earn RM5k per month after (God knows) 5-6 years? What the point when I am earning about RM4-5k now in UK? I still able to save about half my wages here but in Msia?
I am so desperate to get my document correct but then nothing I could do. *Sigh*
Anyway, I will be moving flat this weekend. to a 1bedroom, flat and I will again live in the living room. It is not bad to live in living room as long as you have a comfortable 'bed'. My friend who came here last month will know how comfortable it is. ^.^ Trying to pack a few times but still ALOT to pack. I have no idea how to deal with all the stuff. Things from 6people now all belong to me alone. Many things I have throw away but there are still a lot, which I do not feel like throwing.
Thinking about it have been 8 months since my gf and my flat mate left and it have been nearly 1 year since my mate and another of my flat mate left. The friendship that I had is forever deep down in my heart no matter how hurt I felt and how things become between us now. The footprint the left could not be erase no matter how hard I try. All I could do is silently wish them all the best like I always do. The crossroad is far behind me now and I personally feel that there will never be the same crossroad again. If you happen to read this, you should know who you are.
Well I just want to say that my mom is very upset about me and could not understand me even I tried to explain to her millions times about me. I think I give up on trying because eventually it just make me pissed off and refuse to talk to her at all. I feel so bad and sorry for her of my choice. Well, it is not my choice actually. I do not want to be different but God makes me different, parts of me blame Him but part of me does not. Because I am different, I am so much more mature and brave then normal people. I go through 1zillions times harder time then what normal people think hard times is. Sometimes I smile for being different because I know that I am better, I am stronger. Well, smooth seas do not make skillful sailors, right?
Alright, time to be now as it is 12.30am now. Trying to lead a healtly life by sleeping early and getting up early. I will try to update here at least twice a month, how folks will keep up with my blog and do left me comments and massage.
Cheers~
Anonymous
I want to link this blog to my facebook but Thinking of what I want to share to my friends which following my blog I chose not to link it to my facebook.
I have been working for almost 60 hours every week in the month of June. It really makes me feel so tired by the end of the 3rd week. I feel like I am rip naked. I could not even drag myself to gym on the off day after the 3rd week. All I do is sleep at home and rest. I feel so ill, that I feel like sick (in UK they do not use vomit but sick) right after I had my dinner. However, that was last Sunday and it is Thursday now. I start working and felt so much better. God, time flies...
To my old friends out there, I just want to share with you people that I have a new life here, I have a new name and living happily and I am no longer the old Chong that you know. I am Braxton Chong. My voice is deepening, I was address correctly now, and no one is confused about my gender identity here. I hate is so much when people address me wrongly at the phone. I am very happy of the changes, I become more confident, I speak more than I am, and I am no longer as shy as I was.
People still walk up to me and ask me in my face are you a guy or a girl, I answer them in confident that I am a guy! I feel so good. Nothing can describe how I felt. No one will understand how that feels.
Right now, I am trying to concentrate on my job hoping that I will be promote to at least a bar supervisor. I am working so hard putting so much extra effort and I hope that it will pay off. I am happy that I am proving to my colleague, my superior that I know what I am doing and I deserve to be promote when there is opportunity. I have quite a few feedback with are positive but then there is still another strong people around me. Therefore, I have to continue to work hard in order to secure myself a contract.
One of my superior told me that it is good money when you make it to Operations Manager level but it will take about 10years provided that there is people that giving you chance. Part of me is so into the job that I hope that I could have a career in this industry but then come to reality if I will be into this job, I will not have a life. Working almost 10-12 hours per day, working 6 days a week and not getting extra pay. But hey! Doesn’t all the job is like that? Mmmm...
Cathay Pacific is lifting the HKID requirement to apply for Cadet Pilot. I decided to give a try and finally submitted my application form after struggling to write a good short essay. Becoming a Pilot is always one of my ambitions since young. How smart and handsome they look in full uniform. I hope that I will be given a chance to be a Pilot.
But then I will be struggling as well if I was offered to be a Cadet Pilot. My initial plan was to stay in UK, work and apply for asylum seeker Visa but if I get to be a Cadet Pilot means I could not get a Visa, means I could not get a British Passport after 5-6 years, means I could not get my name change on my birthcert, Identity Card and Passport, means I will ne struggling for most of my life. It make me feel so tired when I think about it, it just drain all my energy when I think about this problem. I do not know what the solution is for it.
Go back Malaysia and fight for my rights? People have been fighting for their Rights but it is still no outcome what makes me think I will have chances of winning? I do not want to go back to Malaysia and settle down because RM is just too small. I want to travel around the world; I do not want to stuck in Malaysia my whole life. Salary is so low compare to all other place in the world, make no sense to stay and work in there at all. I rather struggle and work in Uk then to go back be engineer and earn RM3k per month and earn RM5k per month after (God knows) 5-6 years? What the point when I am earning about RM4-5k now in UK? I still able to save about half my wages here but in Msia?
I am so desperate to get my document correct but then nothing I could do. *Sigh*
Anyway, I will be moving flat this weekend. to a 1bedroom, flat and I will again live in the living room. It is not bad to live in living room as long as you have a comfortable 'bed'. My friend who came here last month will know how comfortable it is. ^.^ Trying to pack a few times but still ALOT to pack. I have no idea how to deal with all the stuff. Things from 6people now all belong to me alone. Many things I have throw away but there are still a lot, which I do not feel like throwing.
Thinking about it have been 8 months since my gf and my flat mate left and it have been nearly 1 year since my mate and another of my flat mate left. The friendship that I had is forever deep down in my heart no matter how hurt I felt and how things become between us now. The footprint the left could not be erase no matter how hard I try. All I could do is silently wish them all the best like I always do. The crossroad is far behind me now and I personally feel that there will never be the same crossroad again. If you happen to read this, you should know who you are.
Well I just want to say that my mom is very upset about me and could not understand me even I tried to explain to her millions times about me. I think I give up on trying because eventually it just make me pissed off and refuse to talk to her at all. I feel so bad and sorry for her of my choice. Well, it is not my choice actually. I do not want to be different but God makes me different, parts of me blame Him but part of me does not. Because I am different, I am so much more mature and brave then normal people. I go through 1zillions times harder time then what normal people think hard times is. Sometimes I smile for being different because I know that I am better, I am stronger. Well, smooth seas do not make skillful sailors, right?
Alright, time to be now as it is 12.30am now. Trying to lead a healtly life by sleeping early and getting up early. I will try to update here at least twice a month, how folks will keep up with my blog and do left me comments and massage.
Cheers~
Anonymous
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Long Distance Relationship
Lately I have been off for works for more than 2 weeks, thanks to Easter holiday. I try to spend my time wisely but obviously it did not work out that well. Anyhow I manage to get myself to the gym almost every day. While at gym, there will always something that comes to my mind. No matter how hard I try to relax myself during jogging on treadmill, thoughts keep floating into it.
Today, I have been thinking about long distance relationship. I never believe in long distance relationship in my life before. Until I have to come to UK, I was thinking to give a try with my ex. Well, things did not work out and we broke up but it is not because of the long distance. It is just we are not the right person for each other.
Then I moved on and meet my current girlfriend, as we both know she will leave UK at some point we agree to keep the relationship until the day she need to leave UK. All the while I thought that I am able to let her go when the day come, until when she leave me a while to go for her holiday trip. Then I realise, she has been part of my life and I could not let her go as I thought. While she is away, I finally have some time to think about the relationship. Then I realise that she is the one that I want for my life. She is the one that I want to marry. She is just ‘the one’.
I never know I would fall for her so hard, so hard that for her I could do anything. Yes, anything at all that I never think of I can do it for anyone else. Silently, she had taken my heart away. I feel myself like in madness, thinking of marriage with her, thinking of how to be together forever, thinking of the future that I want to build with her. I never think of marriage in my live, yet… it just comes to my mind…
Anyway, it have been awhile since I am in the long distance relationship and I am very happy to say everything went so well and we love each other more and more. I hope we both will have the highest commitment and helping each other with the trust we need and then we can be together again when the times come.
Today, I have been thinking about long distance relationship. I never believe in long distance relationship in my life before. Until I have to come to UK, I was thinking to give a try with my ex. Well, things did not work out and we broke up but it is not because of the long distance. It is just we are not the right person for each other.
Then I moved on and meet my current girlfriend, as we both know she will leave UK at some point we agree to keep the relationship until the day she need to leave UK. All the while I thought that I am able to let her go when the day come, until when she leave me a while to go for her holiday trip. Then I realise, she has been part of my life and I could not let her go as I thought. While she is away, I finally have some time to think about the relationship. Then I realise that she is the one that I want for my life. She is the one that I want to marry. She is just ‘the one’.
I never know I would fall for her so hard, so hard that for her I could do anything. Yes, anything at all that I never think of I can do it for anyone else. Silently, she had taken my heart away. I feel myself like in madness, thinking of marriage with her, thinking of how to be together forever, thinking of the future that I want to build with her. I never think of marriage in my live, yet… it just comes to my mind…
Anyway, it have been awhile since I am in the long distance relationship and I am very happy to say everything went so well and we love each other more and more. I hope we both will have the highest commitment and helping each other with the trust we need and then we can be together again when the times come.
Life..world..
Every now and then disasters happen, just like recently earthquake in Italy recently and 270 over people killed and 20000 people homeless or injure. Earthquake in China last year, flood that happen, tsunami and etc. People get killed every time a disaster happen, I guess there is too many people living on the earth and disaster just need to happen to take some life away to help the mother earth to survive longer.
It make me wonder how long more can this earth survive? 30 years? 40 years? 50 years? Can this earth wait for me to finish my life before it does? I doubt. Then it leads to what I want for my life, a family with children? It does feel lovely to have child but then looking at the current situation, I rather not to have a child because it seems like they will suffer more. Right now, degree holders is everywhere, few more years master holder everywhere. If I have a child, he/she will need to have a minimum study of a PhD. Then having trouble looking for job earning for money to live.
Have anyone that want a child ever think of this entire problem? Or all just think of ‘I want a child, I want to see them success and grow up, and I will make sure I have earn enough to give them a good life.’ Now, what it means by earning enough? To be able to put aside $1million or $1billion? The price of every single thing is rising each month, how much earning each month will be enough? I am wondering how I am going to survive when I retire what more if I have kids.
If you think having a child then they will grow up and start earning to pay you back and take care of you when you grow up. Think about it again, if you grow old can they stay by your side to take care of you always? You might be end up in an old folk’s home with them visiting you once a month? What if they get a job with the income barely cover the cost they need? How would they have the money to give you? There is so many things that you have to think when talking about future.
You plan to have 2 children, different of 5 years so that you can afford to give them the money they need to further the study to university. While the 1st one graduated then he/she can support the 2nd sibling. What if they 1st one did not graduate in time? What if they turn out to be some bad children? Teaching a child now a day is not as easy as last time, looking at the new paper how youngsters involve in gangs, how they involve in sex and everything. It sends my nerve a chill when thinking what if my child mix with the wrong group of people and be one of those?
Maybe people will think I am so negative when looking towards life and so on. However it is just the fact about the current world now. All I want is live my life to the fullest and enjoy while I still can. I do not want to be other people’s burden. I just want to earn enough for me to have a normal life that I can have a home sweet home living with my wife and to go travel. I guess I have enough burden and things to worry for my life, I go through so many things myself and I do not hope another person would have to go through what I’ve been.
Anyway, not bother on how people look on me. I just want to live my life to the fullest with my love one.
It make me wonder how long more can this earth survive? 30 years? 40 years? 50 years? Can this earth wait for me to finish my life before it does? I doubt. Then it leads to what I want for my life, a family with children? It does feel lovely to have child but then looking at the current situation, I rather not to have a child because it seems like they will suffer more. Right now, degree holders is everywhere, few more years master holder everywhere. If I have a child, he/she will need to have a minimum study of a PhD. Then having trouble looking for job earning for money to live.
Have anyone that want a child ever think of this entire problem? Or all just think of ‘I want a child, I want to see them success and grow up, and I will make sure I have earn enough to give them a good life.’ Now, what it means by earning enough? To be able to put aside $1million or $1billion? The price of every single thing is rising each month, how much earning each month will be enough? I am wondering how I am going to survive when I retire what more if I have kids.
If you think having a child then they will grow up and start earning to pay you back and take care of you when you grow up. Think about it again, if you grow old can they stay by your side to take care of you always? You might be end up in an old folk’s home with them visiting you once a month? What if they get a job with the income barely cover the cost they need? How would they have the money to give you? There is so many things that you have to think when talking about future.
You plan to have 2 children, different of 5 years so that you can afford to give them the money they need to further the study to university. While the 1st one graduated then he/she can support the 2nd sibling. What if they 1st one did not graduate in time? What if they turn out to be some bad children? Teaching a child now a day is not as easy as last time, looking at the new paper how youngsters involve in gangs, how they involve in sex and everything. It sends my nerve a chill when thinking what if my child mix with the wrong group of people and be one of those?
Maybe people will think I am so negative when looking towards life and so on. However it is just the fact about the current world now. All I want is live my life to the fullest and enjoy while I still can. I do not want to be other people’s burden. I just want to earn enough for me to have a normal life that I can have a home sweet home living with my wife and to go travel. I guess I have enough burden and things to worry for my life, I go through so many things myself and I do not hope another person would have to go through what I’ve been.
Anyway, not bother on how people look on me. I just want to live my life to the fullest with my love one.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
The new Brax is worrying about going back home
Who on earth will not be excited about going back to hometown? I do feel so excited going back and meeting friends yet I am so worry on the other hand. I have been here for 1 year and 4 months now. Which mean I have fully leave my past and live my new life with a new name for 1 year plus. How am I supposed to live like my past again?
I am afraid and worry now, I got so piss of when people call me what they use to call me back then. Yet, How am i going to tell them, please call me Brax now as I have leave my past behind? I do not have the courage to do so. As well as i know it is so hard for them as it have been years they call me what they used to. I know they still address me with it when I am not there, well who the hell going to know when suddenly blur out ‘Brax’ or ‘Chong’? They will still need to identify me with my previous name to know who they are saying.
Well, what did I expect this time hen going back? Did I expect them to accept the new me? No, I do not really expect them to except the new me as I will only meet them once of twice then it will be years before I am going back again. Thinking of this make me feel like hiding away instate of meeting those all friends.
Does that mean, when I begin what I am going to begin I will have no choice but to lose all my old friends? Or do I explain to them what is going on? Will they be that open minded to accept who I am and respect what I am going through? It is all this while I do not have the courage to tell people in the face that ‘I am Braxton Chong, this is me. The new me.’.
I am different from what they have been thinking about. They thought I was a TB but I wasn’t. How am I supposed to explain? *sigh* I guess I might look like a freak to them when they see what I am doing.
I’ve got no choice but to totally ignore how and what other people look and think of me. Even I am at the risk of losing some friends. I guess that I the sacrifice that have to be made for this path.
I’ve finally successfully change my name on my pay slip as well as my bank at UK. I am so happy to receive my credit card and to see my name and title on my online banking change accordingly. Who will understand this happiness of mine? Doesn’t really important who will, as long as she understand. Between, if any of you who reading this is from my current work place I am so grateful that all of you being so supportive. You guys make me feel so much better in here. Thanks.
For those who have no clue what is going on, well I do want to try to hide the fact. But it is hard to hide the fact now. Maybe after a year I would completely delete anything related to this or to start a totally new profile.
I am afraid and worry now, I got so piss of when people call me what they use to call me back then. Yet, How am i going to tell them, please call me Brax now as I have leave my past behind? I do not have the courage to do so. As well as i know it is so hard for them as it have been years they call me what they used to. I know they still address me with it when I am not there, well who the hell going to know when suddenly blur out ‘Brax’ or ‘Chong’? They will still need to identify me with my previous name to know who they are saying.
Well, what did I expect this time hen going back? Did I expect them to accept the new me? No, I do not really expect them to except the new me as I will only meet them once of twice then it will be years before I am going back again. Thinking of this make me feel like hiding away instate of meeting those all friends.
Does that mean, when I begin what I am going to begin I will have no choice but to lose all my old friends? Or do I explain to them what is going on? Will they be that open minded to accept who I am and respect what I am going through? It is all this while I do not have the courage to tell people in the face that ‘I am Braxton Chong, this is me. The new me.’.
I am different from what they have been thinking about. They thought I was a TB but I wasn’t. How am I supposed to explain? *sigh* I guess I might look like a freak to them when they see what I am doing.
I’ve got no choice but to totally ignore how and what other people look and think of me. Even I am at the risk of losing some friends. I guess that I the sacrifice that have to be made for this path.
I’ve finally successfully change my name on my pay slip as well as my bank at UK. I am so happy to receive my credit card and to see my name and title on my online banking change accordingly. Who will understand this happiness of mine? Doesn’t really important who will, as long as she understand. Between, if any of you who reading this is from my current work place I am so grateful that all of you being so supportive. You guys make me feel so much better in here. Thanks.
For those who have no clue what is going on, well I do want to try to hide the fact. But it is hard to hide the fact now. Maybe after a year I would completely delete anything related to this or to start a totally new profile.
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